If you leave… I will be soon.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “If You Leave.” Life is a series of beginnings and endings. We leave one job to start another; we quit cities, countries, or continents for a fresh start; we leave lovers and begin new relationships. What was the last thing you contemplated leaving? What were the pros and cons? Have you made up your mind? What will you choose?

The most recent decision I made about “leaving” was taking a new job in Austin, TX and giving notice to my current job 40 minutes north of Austin. Deciding to leave a job is something that I have done before, and I left for a better opportunity. I had been a residential case manager for chronically mentally ill adults for three and a half years. I left to become a Juvenile Case Manager with better pay and a chance to build on my experience, and to overcome my burnout. I am leaving my current job working with chronically mentally and medically ill adults to again work with juveniles. I will receive better pay and benefits with new opportunities for training and growth but I am starting over again, and I will be fighting morning traffic. I However,  will have three day weekends to recover from my long days! I am happy to be  joining a successful, already established program after working with back-to-back new programs, especially one that still has bugs to work out.

I am making a few trade-offs because I miss doing the kind of work I did for seven years. It gave me daily opportunities to help youth and families and give back to the community. I was a positive adult in the lives of many young people, many of whom came from single parent families, low-economic status, and negative brushes with authority. The work was not easy but I liked being able to listen to them, talk with them, and help them set goals while learning from their mistakes. I welcome the daily opportunities to do this again. I know that the new job and my former youth job will be different in many ways but I am hoping to be inspired again. I considered the commute, leaving the team short-handed and how important a pay increase is. There is no room for advancement and only small incremental raises, and no longer felt that my current job and I are the best fit for each other.  I hope the best for the team I am leaving and I am grateful to have gotten a job after moving to a new place two years ago, but… it’s time to move on, just as it was time to move to a new place and a new life.

I believe that you sometimes need to make a change, or many changes, to be happy, to feel inspired, or to be appreciated. There are times when you do what you can until you can do what you really want to do. I think that you have to realize that life goes on with or without you, whether at work, at school, or in your community, and that everyone leaves to start over at some point. Maybe it’s your turn today,  and tomorrow will be theirs. It is hard to feel like you are leaving people behind, but you have to do what you feel is best!

© 2015 blogdaysofchrell

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Can I go home yet?

Boyfriend’s mother died two weeks ago. It was inevitable, and we were somewhat prepared for a VERY long drive back to Illinois and the shenanigans ahead. As mentioned in multiple previous posts, Boyfriend had a complicated relationship with his narcissist mother and narcissist golden child Brother, and I was not liked by either of them. His relationships with other family members were greatly affected by the two narcissists. Due to events recently and in the preceding months, the family has learned that Brother was a facade. Seeing these family members now is a different experience because they are figuring out why Boyfriend kept his distance – he needed to avoid becoming collateral damage.

Life, for the past week and a half, has been topsy-turvy to say the least. We had to both get time off from work, drive twenty hours with our cat, and then spend many, many hours undoing the puzzle and maze left behind. Boyfriend’s brother has not only been unhelpful, he is not content to take his half per the will and will not be happy unless he gets his way at every step of the process. This comes after years of scheming, lying, taking advantage and manipulating to get lots of $$$,$$$ over the years since their father died. In fact, rather than helping to clean out and organizing the home and affairs, Boyfriend’s brother began assessing value of items, making contacts to see how he can make more money, and trying to talk Boyfriend into making deals instead of simply selling the big items, splitting it and making things easier for everyone. That is too much like right. It has been exhausting to absorb all of the negative energy left behind in the home by the two narcissists while Boyfriend and I hope we can soon move forward, returning to our lives in the great state of Texas and leaving the chaos behind when the lawyer finally wraps everything up and the deals are done. That can’t happen until the house is sold, the car is bought out, the estate sale happens and the financials are divided up. The woman who once said she would let her sons fight over everything will likely get her wish, despite a will and trust, because the specifics are vague and I fear that no one will really stand up to the narcissist brother in the end. Ultimately, I want Boyfriend treated fairly and for him to get what is his. I am entitled to nothing, and this not about me. The deceased didn’t like me, and it would entertain her if I have to watch Boyfriend get dragged into more drama and inconvenience, to say the least. The narcissist mother will get her supply, even in death.

I realize how cold and unfeeling I sound. I wish I could say that I am mourning the loss of a good person, the woman who was my mother-in-law (in theory), but I can’t. I feel bad for the people that loved the narcissist mother and those with whom she had a good relationship. I can only mourn the loss of the mother Boyfriend didn’t have, a mother who would have truly loved him, cared for him, supported him and accepted him as he was, and would not been abusive or downright vindictive for not letting her and the narcissist brother walk all over him for the rest of his life. I can mourn the loss of the friend I could have had and didn’t, and I can regret the apology I shouldn’t have given when I told the truth about how she treated her son a few years ago. Boyfriend’s father, may he rest in peace, learned not to fight back until he had nothing left to lose because he didn’t want to suffer at the hands of his narcisstic wife anymore than necessary.

I’ve seen my family since we’ve been in Illinois, and I can’t say that this has been easy either. My parents are who they are, and can’t seem to put the differences aside for the sake of a peaceful visit, even for an hour. My mother is passive-aggressive and my father is argumentative, unable to let it slide. They both have to win, and don’t seem to care if Boyfriend and I leave with more memories of bitterness, anger, and two adults acting like five-year olds. I love them because they are my parents but, golly, I can’t wait to go back to Texas.

We have gotten to know a few people a little bit better, and Boyfriend’s Godmother has been a gracious hostess. Having our cat with us has offered us both a bit of calm and sanity, and would not have been possibly without Godmother accommodating us.

Thank you WordPress and readers for allowing me to vent. I hope that others might see that they are not alone, and that those dealing with a narcissist(s) suffer long-lasting effects if you don’t walk away and go no-contact when you have the chance. I regret that I didn’t take Boyfriend away from the toxicity years ago ago and never look back when the family secrets started to come out. Knowing what we know now, I hope these posts help someone else feel less alone and that they stop blaming themselves for what the ruin left by the narcissist.

Forgive and Forget…. I think not.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Forgive and Forget?.”

I think that forgiveness can be healthy and appropriate for healing, but forgetting, not so much. Some actions cannot betaken back, regardless of the words spoken in the aftermath. Extending forgiveness to someone who is TRULY sorry and has taken responsibility for their action s is understandable, and we’ve all done it, just as we have all had to ask for forgiveness, too.  Forgetting is another matter. Sometimes it can be done, sometimes it cannot.  What’s done is done and a memory has been created, good or bad. Forgetting what someone has done can set us up to be hurt or taken advantage of again, just like the old saying…

fool me once
courtesy of quotationslibrary.com

I’ve learned recently in research I have done about narcissism, that it is common to be fooled repeatedly due to the abusive and manipulative nature of the narcissist. Boyfriend got me into reading and learning about narcissism because his mother and brother are both narcissists that have caused him much pain and suffering, even to this day. Thank God we moved to Texas, it’s amazing what  little distance can do. The best thing would be no contact but… easier said than done. I mention these two people because I could not forgive them if God himself ask me to. They are two of the most angry, deceptive, hateful, manipulative, unfeeling, inhuman people I have ever met. If we knew then what we know now, I would like to think that Boyfriend and I would have made different choices with regarding to both of our dealings with them.  Moving on with without certain people is the best thing to do. I would not call it forgiveness but simply moving on. Thank you to Narcissism Survivor on YouTube!!!!! You are teaching us so much.

With regard to my family, I have forgiven a few things, just as have they, but the forgetting is hard. I do try to balance bad memories with good memories because my parents tried their best. I just wish they had made a few choices that would have made us all happier, possibly going their separates ways to be free of drama. I know that I am not perfect and neither are they, and we meet in the middle enough to make things still work. It is easier to see and talk to my parents separately because of their personal differences, and they both feel special.

As for friends, I have tried to forgive and forget and, ultimately, the friendship eventually ended. Relationships can run their course. We contribute something to the other person’s life and they to ours, possibly for reasons unknown. Ultimately, we each have to do what is best for our health and happiness, which can mean leaving some people in our past.

Poster By Flavia Weedn

 

© 2015 blogdaysofchrell