I know that’s kind of straightforward, but it’s true. Try as you might, you will not connect with everyone, you will not be understood by everyone, and you will not even be given a chance to be seen for the real you by everyone. Kind of in the same way that life is not fair. It just isn’t.
I’ve been thinking about this recently due to events going on in my life. Boyfriend is flying back to the Midwest for the second time in two months due to his mother being seriously ill. Their relationship is complicated to say the least, as is his relationship with his brother… both are narcissists of sorts, and neither have ever liked me. Why? I’ve never had a concrete reason, I just know that Boyfriend and I have always stuck together and that I could not be used as their pawn against him. Calling me to get information about him didn’t work, and neither did putting me on the spot or trying to create drama that I wouldn’t allow to be created. I refused to play along. It took a little while to see through the phony and to truly understand that game that was being played but I have come to see them both as manipulative, attention-seeking, hurtful, and heartless people over the years. I just thought they didn’t like me. Only recently did Boyfriend and I learn about narcissism so we can now recognize what was going on, as I mentioned here. Generally, narcissists don’t play fair, and no, they don’t like people who don’t play their games and don’t give them supply.
The reality is that Boyfriend’s mother will not get better and likely die in the near future. Without getting into specifics, most people who begin hospice care do not survive. I admire Boyfriend for being the strong, courageous person that he is to jump back in to the fire, so to speak. While Boyfriend has not only been conspired against and kept in the dark about many family affairs, he has only begun to scratch the surface of truth. Yet he has had to undo the mess his brother helped create over the past five years, with most people in the family blind to the chaos that both narcissists have dealt in for years. I believe in God and I believe in Karma, so it will be dealt with one way or another.
I am not the most touchy-feely person, except with those who are dear to me, but I help people for a living. Regardless of personal feelings, agreement with people’s’ choices, etc., I am compassionate and try to empathize with people’s pain and suffering. I do my best to connect with the people I am called on to help, and I do the best I can to understand these people and their needs. These people are grateful for me, my team members and the partners we work with who try to improve their lives in the smallest way. That means something to me. When someone can admit to mistakes and wrongs, I can respect that. I guess, what I’m try to say is that I am having real trouble feeling any of these feelings regarding the situation I described above. I have trouble feeling bad for someone who is suffering now, yet has caused many, including the person I love, great suffering throughout their lives, showing no remorse, admitting no harm, and even justifying repeated bad behavior with “I didn’t do to you what I did to the other person.”
Some people just don’t like you, especially when you stand up for yourself and others against their unfair or simply wrong behavior. In some cases, a level of respect might develop between you and that person because he/she likes a challenge and you brought one. Some people bank on fooling you once, and fooling you twice, and fooling you until you don’t know what happened. This isn’t about me, but the situation does affect me. I have known this dying person for several years. I would like to feel something about the situation, like compassion or empathy or even sadness for a relationship that wasn’t, but… It’s not there. I tried to have relationships with his mother and his brother and they did what narcissists do: they drew me and then tried to manipulate me and Boyfriend. I’m sure there are other people who have survived something similar with a narcissist that can relate to this. I would like to make peace but there is no peace to be had with a narcissist unless they are out of your life in some way, shape or form. My only hope is that Boyfriend gets to find closure when the time comes, and that the other narcissist doesn’t pick up where narcissist mother left off. I pray that the family can get through this time without the knives coming out, and that the good rather than the greed in all will prevail. I hope that the “Golden” child’s reign is over and that the “Scape Goat” either gets a fair shot to tell his side or finally gets the support he deserves. I am most sad about the damaged family dynamics. No one should ever have to live through this.
I believe that we as human beings all have good within us, but I believe that some people would rather do what is easy, even if it’s wrong or hurtful, so they don’t have to tell the truth or take responsibility for their actions. Some people would rather leave this earth without making amends or telling the truth because it would shatter the fake reality they built for themselves. They have to make the choice…
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