Boyfriend’s mother died two weeks ago. It was inevitable, and we were somewhat prepared for a VERY long drive back to Illinois and the shenanigans ahead. As mentioned in multiple previous posts, Boyfriend had a complicated relationship with his narcissist mother and narcissist golden child Brother, and I was not liked by either of them. His relationships with other family members were greatly affected by the two narcissists. Due to events recently and in the preceding months, the family has learned that Brother was a facade. Seeing these family members now is a different experience because they are figuring out why Boyfriend kept his distance – he needed to avoid becoming collateral damage.
Life, for the past week and a half, has been topsy-turvy to say the least. We had to both get time off from work, drive twenty hours with our cat, and then spend many, many hours undoing the puzzle and maze left behind. Boyfriend’s brother has not only been unhelpful, he is not content to take his half per the will and will not be happy unless he gets his way at every step of the process. This comes after years of scheming, lying, taking advantage and manipulating to get lots of $$$,$$$ over the years since their father died. In fact, rather than helping to clean out and organizing the home and affairs, Boyfriend’s brother began assessing value of items, making contacts to see how he can make more money, and trying to talk Boyfriend into making deals instead of simply selling the big items, splitting it and making things easier for everyone. That is too much like right. It has been exhausting to absorb all of the negative energy left behind in the home by the two narcissists while Boyfriend and I hope we can soon move forward, returning to our lives in the great state of Texas and leaving the chaos behind when the lawyer finally wraps everything up and the deals are done. That can’t happen until the house is sold, the car is bought out, the estate sale happens and the financials are divided up. The woman who once said she would let her sons fight over everything will likely get her wish, despite a will and trust, because the specifics are vague and I fear that no one will really stand up to the narcissist brother in the end. Ultimately, I want Boyfriend treated fairly and for him to get what is his. I am entitled to nothing, and this not about me. The deceased didn’t like me, and it would entertain her if I have to watch Boyfriend get dragged into more drama and inconvenience, to say the least. The narcissist mother will get her supply, even in death.
I realize how cold and unfeeling I sound. I wish I could say that I am mourning the loss of a good person, the woman who was my mother-in-law (in theory), but I can’t. I feel bad for the people that loved the narcissist mother and those with whom she had a good relationship. I can only mourn the loss of the mother Boyfriend didn’t have, a mother who would have truly loved him, cared for him, supported him and accepted him as he was, and would not been abusive or downright vindictive for not letting her and the narcissist brother walk all over him for the rest of his life. I can mourn the loss of the friend I could have had and didn’t, and I can regret the apology I shouldn’t have given when I told the truth about how she treated her son a few years ago. Boyfriend’s father, may he rest in peace, learned not to fight back until he had nothing left to lose because he didn’t want to suffer at the hands of his narcisstic wife anymore than necessary.
I’ve seen my family since we’ve been in Illinois, and I can’t say that this has been easy either. My parents are who they are, and can’t seem to put the differences aside for the sake of a peaceful visit, even for an hour. My mother is passive-aggressive and my father is argumentative, unable to let it slide. They both have to win, and don’t seem to care if Boyfriend and I leave with more memories of bitterness, anger, and two adults acting like five-year olds. I love them because they are my parents but, golly, I can’t wait to go back to Texas.
We have gotten to know a few people a little bit better, and Boyfriend’s Godmother has been a gracious hostess. Having our cat with us has offered us both a bit of calm and sanity, and would not have been possibly without Godmother accommodating us.
Thank you WordPress and readers for allowing me to vent. I hope that others might see that they are not alone, and that those dealing with a narcissist(s) suffer long-lasting effects if you don’t walk away and go no-contact when you have the chance. I regret that I didn’t take Boyfriend away from the toxicity years ago ago and never look back when the family secrets started to come out. Knowing what we know now, I hope these posts help someone else feel less alone and that they stop blaming themselves for what the ruin left by the narcissist.