TEXAS

I have many times seen and heard the saying,
“I wasn’t born in Texas but I got there as soon as I could,” and I would like to add, “I can’t wait to get back.”

 

courtesy of clipartpanda.com
courtesy of clipartpanda.com
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Can I go home yet?

Boyfriend’s mother died two weeks ago. It was inevitable, and we were somewhat prepared for a VERY long drive back to Illinois and the shenanigans ahead. As mentioned in multiple previous posts, Boyfriend had a complicated relationship with his narcissist mother and narcissist golden child Brother, and I was not liked by either of them. His relationships with other family members were greatly affected by the two narcissists. Due to events recently and in the preceding months, the family has learned that Brother was a facade. Seeing these family members now is a different experience because they are figuring out why Boyfriend kept his distance – he needed to avoid becoming collateral damage.

Life, for the past week and a half, has been topsy-turvy to say the least. We had to both get time off from work, drive twenty hours with our cat, and then spend many, many hours undoing the puzzle and maze left behind. Boyfriend’s brother has not only been unhelpful, he is not content to take his half per the will and will not be happy unless he gets his way at every step of the process. This comes after years of scheming, lying, taking advantage and manipulating to get lots of $$$,$$$ over the years since their father died. In fact, rather than helping to clean out and organizing the home and affairs, Boyfriend’s brother began assessing value of items, making contacts to see how he can make more money, and trying to talk Boyfriend into making deals instead of simply selling the big items, splitting it and making things easier for everyone. That is too much like right. It has been exhausting to absorb all of the negative energy left behind in the home by the two narcissists while Boyfriend and I hope we can soon move forward, returning to our lives in the great state of Texas and leaving the chaos behind when the lawyer finally wraps everything up and the deals are done. That can’t happen until the house is sold, the car is bought out, the estate sale happens and the financials are divided up. The woman who once said she would let her sons fight over everything will likely get her wish, despite a will and trust, because the specifics are vague and I fear that no one will really stand up to the narcissist brother in the end. Ultimately, I want Boyfriend treated fairly and for him to get what is his. I am entitled to nothing, and this not about me. The deceased didn’t like me, and it would entertain her if I have to watch Boyfriend get dragged into more drama and inconvenience, to say the least. The narcissist mother will get her supply, even in death.

I realize how cold and unfeeling I sound. I wish I could say that I am mourning the loss of a good person, the woman who was my mother-in-law (in theory), but I can’t. I feel bad for the people that loved the narcissist mother and those with whom she had a good relationship. I can only mourn the loss of the mother Boyfriend didn’t have, a mother who would have truly loved him, cared for him, supported him and accepted him as he was, and would not been abusive or downright vindictive for not letting her and the narcissist brother walk all over him for the rest of his life. I can mourn the loss of the friend I could have had and didn’t, and I can regret the apology I shouldn’t have given when I told the truth about how she treated her son a few years ago. Boyfriend’s father, may he rest in peace, learned not to fight back until he had nothing left to lose because he didn’t want to suffer at the hands of his narcisstic wife anymore than necessary.

I’ve seen my family since we’ve been in Illinois, and I can’t say that this has been easy either. My parents are who they are, and can’t seem to put the differences aside for the sake of a peaceful visit, even for an hour. My mother is passive-aggressive and my father is argumentative, unable to let it slide. They both have to win, and don’t seem to care if Boyfriend and I leave with more memories of bitterness, anger, and two adults acting like five-year olds. I love them because they are my parents but, golly, I can’t wait to go back to Texas.

We have gotten to know a few people a little bit better, and Boyfriend’s Godmother has been a gracious hostess. Having our cat with us has offered us both a bit of calm and sanity, and would not have been possibly without Godmother accommodating us.

Thank you WordPress and readers for allowing me to vent. I hope that others might see that they are not alone, and that those dealing with a narcissist(s) suffer long-lasting effects if you don’t walk away and go no-contact when you have the chance. I regret that I didn’t take Boyfriend away from the toxicity years ago ago and never look back when the family secrets started to come out. Knowing what we know now, I hope these posts help someone else feel less alone and that they stop blaming themselves for what the ruin left by the narcissist.

Some people just don’t like you… complicated families and narcissism

I know that’s kind of straightforward, but it’s true. Try as you might, you will not connect with everyone, you will not be understood by everyone, and you will not even be given a chance to be seen for the real you by everyone.  Kind of in the same way that life is not fair. It just isn’t.

I’ve been thinking about this recently due to events going on in my life. Boyfriend is flying back to the Midwest for the second time in two months due to his mother being seriously ill. Their relationship is complicated to say the least, as is his relationship with his brother… both are narcissists of sorts, and neither have ever liked me. Why? I’ve never had a concrete reason, I just know that Boyfriend and I have always stuck together and that I could not be used as their pawn against him. Calling me to get information about him didn’t work, and neither did putting me on the spot or trying to create drama that I wouldn’t allow to be created. I refused to play along. It took a little while to see through the phony and to truly understand that game that was being played but I have come to see them both as manipulative, attention-seeking, hurtful, and heartless people over the years.  I just thought they didn’t like me. Only recently did Boyfriend and I learn about narcissism so we can now recognize what was going on, as I mentioned here. Generally, narcissists don’t play fair, and no, they don’t like people who don’t play their games and don’t give them supply.

The reality is that Boyfriend’s mother will not get better and likely die in the near future. Without getting into specifics, most people who begin hospice care do not survive. I admire Boyfriend for being the strong, courageous person that he is to jump back in to the fire, so to speak. While Boyfriend has not only been conspired against and kept in the dark about many family affairs, he has only begun to scratch the surface of truth. Yet he has had to undo the mess his brother helped create over the past five years, with most people in the family blind to  the chaos that both narcissists have dealt in for years. I believe in God and I believe in Karma, so it will be dealt with one way or another.

I am not the most touchy-feely person, except with those who are dear to me, but I help people for a living. Regardless of personal feelings, agreement with people’s’ choices, etc., I am compassionate and try to empathize with people’s pain and suffering. I do my best to connect with the people I am called on to help, and I do the best I can to understand these people and their needs. These people are grateful for me, my team members and the partners we work with who try to improve their lives in the smallest way. That means something to me. When someone can admit to mistakes and wrongs, I can respect that.  I guess, what I’m try to say is that I am having real trouble feeling any of these feelings regarding the situation I described above. I have trouble feeling bad for someone who is suffering now, yet has caused many, including the person I love, great suffering throughout their lives, showing no remorse, admitting no harm, and even justifying repeated bad behavior with “I didn’t do to you what I did to the other person.”

Some people just don’t like you, especially when you stand up for yourself and others against their unfair or simply wrong behavior. In some cases, a level of respect might develop between you and that person because he/she likes a challenge and you brought one. Some people bank on fooling you once, and fooling you twice, and fooling you until you don’t know what happened. This isn’t about me, but the situation does affect me.  I have known this dying person for several years. I would like to feel something about the situation, like compassion or empathy or even sadness for a relationship that wasn’t, but… It’s not there. I tried to have relationships with his mother and his brother and they did what narcissists do: they drew me and then tried to manipulate me and Boyfriend. I’m sure there are other people who have survived something similar with a narcissist that can relate to this. I would like to make peace but there is no peace to be had with a narcissist unless they are out of your life in some way, shape or form. My only hope is that Boyfriend gets to find closure when the time comes, and that the other narcissist doesn’t pick up where narcissist mother left off. I pray that the family can get through this time without the knives coming out, and that the good rather than the greed in all will prevail. I hope that the “Golden” child’s reign is over and that the “Scape Goat” either gets a fair shot to tell his side or finally gets the support he deserves. I am most sad about the damaged family dynamics. No one should ever have to live through this.

I believe that we as human beings all have good within us, but I believe that some people would rather do what is easy, even if it’s wrong or hurtful, so they don’t have to tell the truth or take responsibility for their actions. Some people would rather leave this earth without making amends or telling the truth because it would shatter the fake reality they built for themselves. They have to make the choice…

© 2015 blogdaysofchrell